tfs

In a breathtaking and completely novel discovery, ’scientists’ at McGill University have found cocaine use to be both pleasurable and addictive. While they could have reached this conclusion after a few nights of clubbing at Toronto’s Big Easy nightclub, they instead opted for more of scientific method-y approach.

In the study, ten straight-laced Canucks were given cocaine to snort, while ten unluckier blokes were handed placebo powder. In the shocker of all shockers, the cocaine users tended to enjoy their experience a great deal more. So much for the potential of illicit placebo trafficking.

One interesting tidbit did manage to surface in this study, however. It seems that the amount of dopamine (pleasurable endorphin) that the brain secretes when taking cocaine is dependent on how much cocaine the person has used in the past. In other words, cocaine pros might actually receive a greater high than cocaine newbies. This phenomenon also immediately explains why the drug can become so addictive.

Meanwhile, McGill scientists are setting their sights on solving more mysteries of the universe, such as whether water actually quenches thirst, and whether drinking it is in any way related to the process of urination. Good luck, intrepid discoverers.